Castoff
by Jillian K
Summary: The First Evil has been subjugated but at what cost? B/S-Angst to the max. Completed.
1. Default Chapter

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Title: The Castoff

Author: Jillian K.

Disclaimer: BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. This fic is for entertainment purposes only.

Summary: The First Evil has been subjugated but at what cost? B/S-Angst to the max.

The Castoff

Chapter One

Sure there were losses. Dozens of potential Slayers cut down before they reached any semblance of prime. The Watcher Council's headquarters suffered a crippling blow that had probably done the institution in permanently. Only Giles and a few other watchers remained scattered around the globe trying to rebuild from the ashes. All devastating loses. But at the end we prevailed.

The First and allies retreated and the apocalypse was averted once more. I was still here as were all my dearest friends and my sister. I should be grateful and I was.

There was one more loss that many would not consider a loss at all. After all he was originally just another enemy. Another demon to be defeated. So what is he gained a soul. So what if he fought bravely and tirelessly alongside his love. That did not tip the scales in his favor. His soul was still stained for over a hundred years of sin. Atonement and redemption were for that other vampire with a soul. Spike had to conform to punishment. For he was being punished.

I didn't see him often but I caught glimpses of him here and there, usually in the cemetery or park. Sometimes he hid behind the tree that stood outside my home. He always appeared disheveled and his shirt was in tatters. Eyes unfocused on a face that was always thin but now appeared starved. He no longer bought blood but was apparently feeding on vermin and whatever wildlife he could catch in this state. Dawn had tried leaving bags of pig's blood near the tree he frequented but he never took one. Apparently surviving in a near-starved state was also just.

He was weak and his madness made him vulnerable. He was a perpetual target. His face and body would sport the various bruises and gashes that certified the violence against him. Sometimes he limped. I was never able to catch the perpetrators or even determine who they were. He had no defense and demons and some humans to certain delight in it. The ruthless William the Bloody taken down so low that he was a perpetual victim even of his own mind.

And I wondered how he simply didn't surrender himself to the dawn. What made him seek shelter every time the sun rose? What in his destroyed and pillaged mind kept him alive?

Willow claims that it is the demon that seeks preservation. That it would be unnatural for a vampire to commit suicide but I knew that it was not true. Angel had tried and only a snowstorm sent by the Powers had stopped him. No, a vampire was capable of overcoming his demon. Spike had already done so in his capacity to love and to sacrifice for the sake of others.

Spike's present state was owed to the choice that he made. He allowed the First to enter and use him just to give me a chance to trap the demon. The incorporeal being had taken over so completely that he left Spike a lost and empty shell. Muttering nonsense and no longer smiling. 

Sometimes I think that I owed it to him, that I should make an effort and destroy him. Maybe that was why he waited by the tree. To ask for his ending.

And someday I would gather enough courage to put this brave, giving man out of his misery. But before I will tell him just how much I love him and what he is too me. Hopefully he will understand and maybe smile once more. In his eyes I would find the completeness of his love and the total devotion to my family and my world.

But until then I watched and saw and loved.

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TBC

Author's note: I know this is bordering on the melodramatic but I'm a little depressed lately. The best remedy for that is Haggen Daz's and angsty fics so indulge me. Anyhow this one is going to be very short so read and review please. 


	2. Chapter 2

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Chapter Two

So what makes a man? Sacrifice? Love? A Soul? 

He'd gained all that and more. It wasn't handed out to him, no he worked and struggled for every bit. He had to earn a humanity that was no longer his and a soul that he'd lost long ago. Had any other demon ever done so? Giles could never find anything in his dusty text. William the Bloody was truly the first.

I went looking for him tonight. There was a full moon and its silvery streaks gave the darkness and otherworldly glow. I quickly dispatched the few vamps that got in my way, intent on finding him. I had no explanation for my urgency except the knowledge that he'd been on his own long enough.

His old crypt was empty, as Clem had long gone to better pastures. As I explored the gloomy confines, memory took hold. This dark tomb had seen me at my worst and yet it had also proved to my chrysalis of healing. I had left this dark place a stronger woman but now I realize that it wasn't the place but rather its occupant that had made that possible. He'd taken me at my lowest and found something worth loving even at his own expense. I realize now that I never apologized enough for what I'd done to him that terrible spring. A simple "I'm sorry William" just wasn't enough.

I left the crypt in a sober mood. Suddenly it seemed that nothing I could do was good enough. Feeling hopeless I roamed the graveyard some more but my search was fruitless that night. He was nowhere to be found.

+++++++++++++++++++

The next morning, Dawn woke me in time to say good-bye to the last remaining potential in Sunnydale. Kennedy had decided to give some space to the relationship between her and Willow. Neither had wanted to make an issue of it so I was in the dark about the reasons behind that move. Dawn and I attributed to the pattern of love on the Hellmouth. 

Kennedy was brief in her good byes and I could see that she and Willow had a 'moment' before she left. I wished them the best as missed chances usually come back to haunt you.

Willow left for class a few minutes later. I guess that she wasn't up to talking just yet and settled for distraction. Dawn left as well soon after.

I was alone. After months of having my house become Slayer central, solitude seemed wrong. Xander had moved back to his apartment and was slowly dealing with his condition. Anya was helping and I had a feeling that out of all the relationships they had the best chance. They had learned to come together after adversity. I could learn a lot from Anya.

The basement called me and I made my way down. His cot was still there as were his chains that were a testament to his placing our safety before that of himself. Following an urge I took of my top and jeans and laid nude in the bed in which he'd slept. My senses picked up the faint scent of my vampire amidst the covers. I buried myself in them remembering his touch as we made love.

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+++++++++++

I woke up startled and wet with need. My body craved him, my soul craved him. I wanted to cry. The First had taken me down after all just like it promised. 

Without bothering to replace my clothing, I walked upstairs and directly into my shower. The warm water helped a little but it didn't make the inner ache go away. After getting clean I climbed into my own bed. All this angst must be taking a toll of my energy levels. 

The late afternoon found me still in my bed. Dawn had come to ask permission for a sleepover at Janice's house. Since it was Friday and I wasn't much for company, I let her go. Willow called to say that she would be spending the weekend at her parents home. I was truly alone.

The dying afternoon made its way to early evening. I welcomed the darkness since it meant that I could look for him again.

I dressed and gulped down a glass of juice for a quick much-needed boost. After pocketing the required stake I opened the front door to find him collapsed on the porch. 

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TBC


	3. Chapter 3

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Chapter 3

He was light so it took almost no effort to get him inside. I laid him across my sofa and began taking in his unconscious form.

He'd been savagely beaten and left at my doorstep as a gesture. The demon world was well aware of our link and one or more of its members had left his calling card. Bastards.

Spike's face and body were a mass of bruises and wounds. Both his eyes were swollen shut this time and his lower lip was torn. Carefully, I opened the buttons of his shirt and gasped. His neck was ringed with dark purple bruises. I felt his throat only to discover that whoever done this had taken care of inflicting enough damage on the larynx to rob Spike of his voice.

His chest revealed a mass of discolored skin and gashes. The perp had claws and knew how to use them. The ribs were also cracked and would have to be bandaged. The extent of the injuries were truly overwhelming. It tore at me.

Giles' training had included basic first aid although I'd rather taken Spike to a professional. I knew that it would be impossible since no one would treat a vampire and even if they did it would include a lengthy stay at a mental hospital afterwards. I couldn't risk it.

So I set to treat my love as best as I could. I cut his torn shirt away and set to washing his wounds with warm water. God he was so thin, a mere wisp of the man he'd once been. I had to blink away my tears more than once as my hands traveled the planes that I'd grown familiar with. With that body he'd demonstrated his love while I'd taken it for granted and treated him as little more than a convenience. 

Now that man was all but gone replaced by a lost and tormented soul that needed my help. I put my feelings aside and set to work almost methodically at easing the worst of his physical injuries.

An hour later I held him upright as I bandaged his ribs. I carried him over to my room and laid him across my bed. He didn't stir at all, which bothered tremendously since he used to bury himself into any soft surface to get comfortable. Now he just lay there like a corpse. I covered him with my softest sheets and blankets. I knew that he wasn't susceptible to temperature but I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible. Lastly, I used some leftover bandage to tie his wrists to the bedposts. I didn't want to run the risk of him fleeing when he came to.

When I was done with my ministrations, I collapsed into the nearest chair exhausted and disheartened. I had been looking for him only to find his mangled body at my doorstep. Somebody up there must find my woes amusing.

I guarded his unconscious form and wondered how it would be when he finally came to. Would he recognize me? Had this made things worse for him? The suspense was draining me.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I noticed the sun was peeking through the heavy shades and he was finally awake. His clear blue eyes were glued to my face in terror and he was pulling at his restraints. I reacted instantly.

"Spike, its okay, its me Buffy"

There was no recognition in the watery depths. From his damaged throat came straggling sounds that resembled those of an animal in pain and not he cockney, cocky tones of my lover.

"Spike please calm down. You'll hurt yourself" I pleaded

He shook his head violently as if trying to deny his situation. Trapped and scared. Without thinking I set to comfort him by running my hand through his soft light- brown curls. As he no longer uses the peroxide, his hair has returned to its original hue and texture. After a tense moment he relaxed somewhat and eased into my touch ever so slightly.

"That's it, Spike. I won't hurt you, I won't let anybody else do so either. His bright blues explored my face as if trying to discern my intention but being incapable of doing so. I knew then that his madness had not only robbed him of memory but also of his innate cognition. In a way it had taken all of his shields including the mental ones. He would not be able to function at all.

The spirit that had entered his body and soul had decimated all traces of Spike and William. Everything. The pride, the unconquerable will, the sweetness, the heart. All of this was obliterated to make room for the First. But maybe, just maybe there were some small parts, some pieces left of Spike/William inside. Those parts must be hiding and cowering under the barrage of insanity, too slight to take on the First's residue. But if I was there with him, for him, the little parts might emerge and form the whole. I might get him back.

And in that moment with that realization I steeled myself. If he couldn't survive outside, then I would keep him here. Sheltered within the confines of this house. Protected from everything and anything that might hurt him. I didn't have to kill him after all. I just had to find him.

He was quiet now. Soothed and accepting his bonds. Part of me wanted him to rally until he regained his freedom but I realize that this was no longer him. I smiled softly. He didn't smile back.

"That's okay baby. I'll find you"

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TBC.

Thank you for reviewing this angst-fest. Let me know when its just too much. 


	4. Chapter 4

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Author's note: Wow, thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews (it does make me write faster BTW) One thing though. We will not be hearing (reading) our vamp's lovely voice for a while since he cannot speak (fractured larynx and all). I can't wait to get into his head though. Insane Spike is something I enjoyed tremendously.

Chapter 4

Dawnie came home a little before noon. I decided to meet her downstairs before she found Spike in my room. As usual my little sister was all-aglow after spending an evening gossiping, eating junk food and watching pay-per-view. I hate ruining her good mood but it had to be done.

She put her overnight bag on the sofa and sat down to tell me all she'd done. I listened to her as she related all the latest juicy bits she'd learned and a rundown on the movie she'd watched. I tried to sound as carefree as she does but I kept thinking of him lying alone upstairs. 

Dawn, at last, notices my preoccupation.

"Did something happen?" she asks innocently. 

I nod. "Spike is here"

I watch the series of emotions interplay on her face. Surprise, happiness, wariness. After all this is not the Spike she'd grown close to. He is no longer the smooth and suave protector but a frightfully needy creature. She is torn between running to see him and running out of the house.

Poor Dawn. She's probably been through more than any other teenage girl, except for me.

But my little sister decides to surprise me. She offers to help with Spike in any way she can. I accept her offer and thank her for making it. Together we head upstairs to check on him.

The indirect light is not kind to his physical appearance. He looks worse than he did yesterday as more bruises are evident in his body. The gashes in his now-bare chest look red and infected. The bruise in his neck is dark and ugly and I shudder to think that he might never regain his ability to speak. His wrists are still tied but I ought to find another form of restraint before he rubs them raw. Dawn gasps loudly as she takes in his present condition. 

Spike's eyes flutter open. For the barest second, they are the calm sea at daylight but quickly turn stormy. Dawn is a stranger to his confused mind and all strangers are threats unless proven otherwise. Once more he pulls at his bindings in an effort to retreat deep into the mattress. There is a raw animal fear about him and I wonder if Dawn's past status as a key has anything to do with his reaction.

My sister pulls back. Rejected. She understands in a cognizant level that this would not be the case if he were sane but it still hurts. 

I sigh loudly and move to comfort him. He frets a little but welcomes my touch. Dawn lets out the breath she's been holding. Her eyes look at me questioningly.

"He had the same reaction to me yesterday but I managed to calm him down. I guess he's accepted that I am not here to hurt him" I answer

She bites on her lower lip. "But I don't want to hurt him either" 

"I know Dawn but you have to understand that for months he's been beaten down by basically every demon and abusive human in this town. All he expects from anyone is violence. His memory is shot so everyone new is assumed to be a foe"

Dawn nods her understanding and her eyes turn compassionate. "How can he live like that? How can anyone?" She asks sadly.

"No one can. That's why I brought him here so that he no longer had to be exposed to that. I know that this is difficult for you considering the state he's in. If you really feel uncomfortable with him here, I'll understand. I can find another place for him"

"No. He is safer here than anywhere else. It's just that…" she turns away. "When you weren't here he took such good care of me. I couldn't have dealt with it without him. And now…" her voice fades.  
By 'it' she means my death. Like I said my sister's been through a lot.

"I know Dawnie. It's hard for me too. There is something inherently wrong with how's been treated by the fates" I look into his eyes "But maybe there is some way to make him better but if there isn't, I won't leave him to suffer"

"You'll stake him?"

"Yes" I promise quietly.

Dawn says nothing. I pray that my young sister would not be forced to watch me destroy her loyal friend and protector. 

+++++++++++++++

Hours later, I am sitting by Spike's bedside replacing the bandages that he's worked loose. The bloody wounds have a long way before they heal, as do the broken bones. He's watching me enraptured with what I am doing to him. It reminds me a little on how he'd look at me after we'd had sex. Like he couldn't grasp the concept that I would spend time with him willingly.

His wrists are rubbed raw and blisters have begun forming. I am sure that they are painful. I decide to cut them loose. His eyes express his gratefulness although he doesn't smile. Unfortunately, I cannot give him freedom of movement just yet. From my weapon's chest I take out a pair of medieval-looking leg irons and chain. Without much effort I shackle his feet together over his pants, effectively hobbling him. His blue eyes turn accusing but I choose to ignore it. This is for his own good.

Eventually, when he is physically better, I'll move him to the basement. Maybe Xander can reinforce the locks or something in order to keep him there. I'll have to ask him and hope that he is willing to lend a hand. Knowing his history with Spike, you never really…

A loud moan interrupted my thoughts. My attention immediately travels to his bed. Spike is visibly shaking and holding himself with his now free arms. His frantic eyes dart from place to place, not seeing what is in front of him but rather the visions his mind is subjecting him to. His madness.

What are worse are the awful sounds coming from him. Loud moans and strangled cries. Terrified, he screams without a voice. A barrage of cold tears slips down his face and into his bare torso. I am frozen, unable to fight his unseen demons. I blink back my own tears that burn in my eyes. He bucks from the bed but his shackles prevent him from getting anywhere so he falls. I manage to catch him before he reaches the floor. Using my strength, I subdue his body until he is left with a few tattered sobs and hiccups. Finally the vision is spent and he settles down. His eyes meet mine. They are apologetic and sad.

"Don't worry about it. It was just a short episode" I tried to be reassuring but failing miserably. He burrows his face in the pillow in an attempt to hide from me. My hands try to coax him out but he has taken refuge in a less painful recess of his mind.

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TBC


	5. Chapter 5

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Chapter 5

He is in a near-catatonic state for the remainder of the week. His eyes are open but there is no semblance of life in their depths. They are glassy and still like an undisturbed lake. I try speaking to him, as does Dawn, but our efforts are futile as he seems to have withdrawn from the world. I miss him.

Willow returned from her sojourn to her parent's home. She seems a lot more together and willing to let things be as they are with Kennedy for now. I think that losing Tara and losing herself has taught Willow that she can survive anything. That pain, no matter how great, does not last forever. Even when it tears you to pieces. 

She, as usual, was a reliable source. Willow was researching Spike's condition as soon as she got through the door. Unfortunately resources on the First Evil were as scarce as ever. There was no mention on the effects of possession by the entity. More to the point it will be us that write whatever will be recorded on it. Will's search was fruitless.

So she turned to her other talent. She conjured a couple of really elaborate spells but to no avail. Although Spike's initial possession had triggered his madness it had soon evolved into a physical and not supernatural condition. He was a sick as person committed to a mental institution with a DSM IV diagnosis and I had to accept that.

With that knowledge came the realization that it was truly out of my hands. I wasn't going to make him better. I couldn't kiss his hurt away. 

Willow was apologetic. I've counted on her many times and she's rarely let me down. I eased her guilt as it lies square on my shoulders. Solely on me.

My guilt carries me to his room. His faded body lies frozen on my bed and I think that this might be our reality from now on. He would be lost in a confused haze and I full of self-reproach until it all ended in ashes. Spike and I did not deserve this. I would not accept this.

And so armed with guilt, love and more importantly hope I face reality and promise myself that I will change it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

It's been two months since he appeared at my doorstep. His condition was just as bleak as it had been at first. 

He was not staying in my room anymore. Xander had reinforced the basement door but also built a type of enclosure for Spike in the darkest corner of the room. Ceiling high bars kept him safely inside and the built in door allowed us free access to him. Within the enclosure was his cot and reading lamp as well as his box of books. Just outside the bars I placed his television and put the remote within easy access. I shouldn't have bothered, as he never watched it.

But he hated being locked up. Whenever he was at the grips of one of his attacks he would rattle the bars with all his burgeoning strength in attempt to dislodge Xander's handiwork. When he was quiet he would stare up at them sadly. I remember in passing that he'd once told me that his time at the initiative had been terrifying however brief. I hated the fact that I was mirroring his treatment there but I was out of options. Neither Dawn or I could watch him during the school day nor I couldn't trust him to not runaway. He did not realize that I was trying to protect him.

Physically he was better. His wounds had healed and his bruises had faded for the most part. His throat looked better although there was no way for me to tell if the internal damage was gone. As it was, he wouldn't speak.

But I spoke to him. After work I would spend hours and hours telling him about my day, about the gang, about anything that came to mind. I would come down to find him unresponsive or sobbing in his cot and would have to coax him into some semblance of normalcy. He seemed to respond somewhat to my voice and this made me glad. I wasn't going to give up on him but sometimes his obvious anguish was too much. 

After one particularly terrible episode, I called Angel as he might be more familiar with vamp psychology than me. Spike's symptoms fascinated him, as did their origin since he was unable to reconcile his image of William the Bloody with that of the sacrificial lamb he'd become. He had no answers for me except to consider staking him as an act of mercy. When he said that the line between Angel and Angelus blurred and I wondered just how his recent foray into his darker side had affected him. Yet, he wasn't my priority at this point and I let it go promising that I would 'think about it'. 

But I knew that I wouldn't, not yet anyway. I wasn't ready, Dawn wasn't ready. As long as there was some semblance of Spike, however hidden and buried, I wouldn't give up. 

++++++++++++++++++++

But hope is sometimes a flickering candle at the hands of reality. As the weeks passed my hope lessened into smoke in a burned-out wick and I had to face the idea that he would never come back. Spike seemed to be getting worse. 

His suffering, his silence was killing me. 

One quiet night I forced myself what I promised so long ago. My stake was sharpened to a needle point so that it would be fast and as painless as I could make it. My swing was true and strong so I would not miss and hurt him unnecessarily. 

Dawn and Willow were away. I made my way to the darkened basement with heavy steps. He was curled on his side in his cot. His eyes were closed and sealed shut with what must be dried tears. 

I couldn't do it. I couldn't but I had to.

I approached his cage…

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TBC

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Author's note: Thank you for all your reviews. I appreciate them very much especially after I was flamed twice for my ending of "Guardian". Didn't think that being called a failure would sting quite so much ouch. Maybe I should work on developing thicker skin. Sorry it took so long to write this. I had a really bad couple of weeks as my car was stolen and the insurance company is making me jump through so many hoops. Also, I hate the NY DMV. It's the basement of hell. Woe is me and all that. TTFN


	6. Chapter 6

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Author's note: This is going to be a challenge with the no-NC-17 parameter. I tried to be as vague as possible.

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Chapter 6

My hand tightened around the all-too familiar weapon. Its warm texture was an extension of me: rough and uneven and powerful. My mind adds that it's also a piece of dead wood from a fallen tree. Dead. Like I will be after seeing this to its end.

I know in my heart that once Spike is gone I would never be happy again. All my smiles, all my laughs they will empty from now on. The sixteen-year-old girl had managed to pull herself back together. The twenty-one year-old woman could not.

But even with the certainty of my own future misery, I had to give him this. I had to deliver him from this obscene half-existence.

I used my key to gain access to him. He was lying on his cot. His eyes were open but lost in the blank ceiling. I won't accept this. I want one more look from him. One more passion-filled gazed that told of a deep, primeval love. I never appreciated what he freely gave but now I need it like oxygen. I wanted one more time as his love, as his woman. 

The stake falls from my hands and clatters to the unfinished floor. I don't need the Slayer for this. I need Buffy.

My hands tear at my clothing and the thin fabric gives way. Within moments it's all tangled on my feet. I remove my boots and the tie from my hair that tumbles around my shoulders. He loved my hair and I could still feel his expert fingers running through it like it was spun gold. I step out of my underwear and he blinks. I am getting through to him.

I climb on top of his prone, fragile body taking care not to injure him any more. He seems more aware and his eyes bore into mine trying to discern if I'm here to hurt him.

"Baby" I whisper "This is my last-ditch effort to get you back to me. Please help me"

I kiss his full lips. They are just as tender and soft like I remembered. He doesn't return the kiss but opens his mouth ever so slightly to allow me easy access. Even in this condition he would not deny me.

I won't deny him either, not anymore.

My body stretches so that we are bare skin to bare skin. I continue my ministrations doing all the things that I know he loves even if he is not showing it at the moment. His form is as familiar and inviting as a well-explored territory. I rub myself against him and he responds. The need in him is still living and well.

"I need you too" and that was my truth.

He came alive then. Met my caresses with his own. His lips drinking hungrily from my mouth. His hands pulling me closer as if a lifeline. I knew that he was fighting his demons that were trying to pull him away from me, from us.

"Fight this. Stay with me" I urged him desperately.

He responded in ardor. He consumed me. I had never been loved like Spike loves me. 

Yet, he remains a silent participant but his eyes tell me that he is feeling right alongside me. We crash in waves of unadulterated climax. Peak after peak. I can't hold my cries in and can only hope that Justin Timberlake's falsetto is high enough to drown all other sounds in Dawn's room. A moment later I don't even care. There is nobody else but us.

+++++++++++++++++

I lie exhausted in his arms. Sated and happy in the afterglow. This is the first time I let myself enjoy it because in the past I was always making the hasty, unromantic retreat. I realize now that I was trying to prove to myself that he didn't matter, that he was just and unfeeling creature that deserved to be treated in such a manner. I was blind to his suffering, to his frustration, to his unwavering devotion. I promised myself that I would never again take him for granted even if he never got his voice back and was permanently lost in madness. I knew what his heart held. 

He was looking at me with his soft blue eyes. My fingers caressed his bruised-looking mouth. I had gotten a little too 'passionate' in my enthusiasm. I was sure that his back had long scratches from my fingernails and his neck was a mass of love bites and hickeys. Never let it said that the slayer did not leave her mark.

A single tear fell from the clear blue depths. It broke my heart and I held him even closer as he sobbed his pain and love. My own tears joined his. It's been so hard.

After the tears are dry, I move to get up. He whimpers a little and holds on to my arm. I crumble against his need and fall into the bed once more. 

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TBC.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's note: Sorry for the looong wait. My PC crashed and I had to wait for my brand new Dell to make its entrance.  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Dawn is a storm when I finally make my way upstairs. My little sister was supposed to have spend the night at Janice's but for some unknown reason she returned home. I'd heard her music coming from upstairs when I was making love to him but at that point I couldn't do anything about it.  
  
It was clear that she was upset as she wouldn't even look at me as she fixed Spike's breakfast. I waited silently as she prepared her attack.  
  
"I can't believe you did that" she began in an accusing tone.  
  
"Dawnie, you don't understand..."  
  
"I don't understand what? That you got an itch you couldn't scratch. I thought you liked him. I thought that you wouldn't hurt him anymore"  
  
"I didn't hurt him" I snapped back getting irritated at her claims.  
  
"Yes you did. Hasn't he suffered enough that you would add to his misery? He is sick and weak and you used him just like you've always done"  
  
"Its not like that. I did that to bring him back to us. You know that he wasn't getting better. You know what I promised when I first brought him here. Last night I was going to fulfill that promise..." Dawn gasped and I went on "...I was going to kill him Dawn but I couldn't do it without trying one last time"  
  
She didn't say anything for a moment but her glare told me that she hadn't believed my words. Her next words confirmed it.  
  
"That's not it. You had sex with him because you needed it, not because of him" she said coldly.  
  
I shook my head in denial. "That's not right"  
  
"You've always treated him like a convenience Buffy. It almost destroyed him. He got the soul for you. He made himself vulnerable for you and you still use him. How much more can he give you before you start seeing him like a human being and not a toy."  
  
My sister's words stung me at the very core. It hadn't been like that. Not at all. Dawn wasn't done.  
  
"Right now he is too sick to make a decision such as making love. He's like a child that'll let you do whatever you want to him without complaint. And knowing this we can't take advantage and you did last night."  
  
"Dawn, I love him" I said simply trying to keep the tears from slipping from my eyes.  
  
"I don't think you do. I think that you like him as he is now. Crazy, locked up and completely at your disposal. He can't even use words to defend himself. There's no balance there Buffy. You can take without having to give yourself and I think that this is what you've always wanted from him. A non-threatening, a non-pressuring relationship. That's not Spike and you know it. He loves you but he also deserves to have you love him back."  
  
The truth behind Dawn's accusations washed over me like iced water. I realized that once again I'd only thought of myself. I hadn't done it to save him. I'd done it to spare myself of the unyielding pain and guilt. My so-called love for him was thinly veiled remorse and selfishness.  
  
I was a horrible human being.  
  
Dawn went downstairs to give Spike his morning meal. I sat alone in the empty kitchen and tried to think. She was right. I was cold and unfeeling. Whatever I felt for him did not give me the right to abuse him as such. I couldn't keep myself from hurting him. I had to leave if he ever was to have a chance at getting better.  
  
When Dawn made her way back I had made a resolution. I wasn't going to stay here. I told her of my decision and she agreed that it would be for the best. She had Willow to take care of her and Spike. I would keep in touch and pay all the bills as I'd done so far. I was going to get another job to pay for my own upkeep. By the time Willow made it home all the arrangements have been made and I'd rented a room on the other side of town. Willow was a bit reluctant at letting me go but we manage to convince that it would be best at least for now.  
  
All I had to do was pack and say good-bye to him.  
  
+++++++  
  
The dim basement was wrapped in shadows even thought it was still light outside. He sat on the floor of his cage, his back against the concrete wall. Maybe it was wishful thinking but his eyes seem to light up when he saw me. I approached the cage and knelt just outside the bars. Our eyes met and even now I felt the pull of my body towards his. I longed to hold him inside of me once more. He crawled towards me and only the bars separated us.  
  
"Hello baby...Spike... I have to tell you something and I hope that you understand."  
  
His blues bore into my own and I had to struggle to continue.  
  
"I am so sorry for what I did to you last night. I was selfish and didn't not think that it might not be the best thing for you. This is pattern for me Spike. I do things to you. I put my own needs ahead of yours and it isn't right. You can't get better with me here. I would only hurt you."  
  
He frowned as his mind struggled to comprehend what I was saying to him. I went on.  
  
"I think its for the best if I am not around for a while. Dawn and Willow can help you get better and I'll stay in touch with them. I am not leaving you, not really. I care about you and I want to do something for you at least once in my life. I owe you this for everything you've done for me."  
  
His eyes left mine and they darted back and forth as my words sunk into his troubled mind. I could see him withdrawing from me as he held himself tightly as if he was shielding himself from the pain of my words. I had to deliver one last blow.  
  
"I am going today. I want you to know that I love you and I can't wait until you are okay again  
so that I can show how much. Take care of yourself."  
  
My hands reach into the bars and touch his lowered head. A few drops reveal his distress and I ache knowing that I hurt him once more. This will be the last time, I promise myself.  
  
"Good bye Spike" I say and leave him.  
TBC,  
  
Author's note: I guess that this may not have been what you were expecting but it is something that I had to address. R and R please. 


	8. Chapter 8

Author's note: Fanfiction.net seems to have fixed the problem regarding Windows Xp users so its seems  
that I can load again. Infinite thanks to Jennifer for loading the previous chapter for me.  
There is only one chapter remaining which I will finish as soon as possible.   
Warning this chapter is straight melodrama.  
  
Chapter 8   
  
In my lonely little room I tried to carve some form of life. Routine became my shield. I would  
wake up, go to work and slay from sunset to midnight. Then I would do it all over again. Every  
other day or so I would get a call from Willow to fill me in on what was going on at home. At  
first her reassurances were short and sweet. She and Dawn were doing fine and Spike's  
condition was stable if not improved. Dawn was taking good care of him and I was proud of my  
strong, opinionated little sister with the heart of gold and best intentions.  
The hardest times were when I returned to my room after patrolling Sunnydale. Then I would  
remember him.  
Its so hard to stay away. I realize that at this point my feelings don't matter and that my only  
focus should be his well-being. I understood that. I accepted it but at night when there were few  
diversions my mind and heart always traveled back to him.   
Still, I was keeping my promise.  
A few weeks after I left my home Willow came over to talk privately. I was immediately on  
edge since "private" conversations among our group usually precede some form of apocalypse. I  
wasn't even remotely geared for another showdown with another Uber-baddie but since when  
has the calling guaranteed any downtime based on slayer preferences?  
But Willow is not the harbinger of evil and she did not come to call me to arms. She came for  
Spike.  
"Buffy he's not well" she said without preamble.  
I didn't know what to say. Part of me didn't want to know because I felt that I couldn't do  
anything for him. I hadn't been able.  
But Willow did not feel the same.  
"You have to come back, even Dawn agrees. Buffy, he won't eat and he won't even leave his  
cot. It's like he is dead"  
"He is dead" I say simply.  
"But he's never been this... this gone. I tried to use magic to revive him but to no avail. His  
condition is not physical this time and there is nothing either Dawn or I can do for him. He  
needs you"  
"He doesn't need me Willow. He's like this because of me. I've done this to him"  
"It's not you fault"  
"Then whose fault is it Willow? Someone led Spike to this. I've driven him so crazy that he  
thought the only way for me to love him was to sacrifice his mind. Just think about it, have any  
of us really loved anyone to give up so much for their sake. Spike did so knowing that it would  
condemn to a terrible existence. And this kills me..." I couldn't contain the torrent of tears that  
I've been holding for days. Willow holds me at my pseudo-emotional breakdown but I'm not  
done. "...Everyone gives up something for me and I know that I am not worth it. I wasn't worth  
Angel's exile or Riley's and I am certainly not worth what Spike's given up for me" I manage  
between sobs.   
Willow's tone is patient and comforting.  
"Love isn't about tallies or keeping scores. It's about just wanting what its best for the other  
even at the expense of one's heart. He did this for you. You've done this for him"  
"I've never..."  
"Yes you have. You left your home, your sister and your best friend because you thought it was  
what he needed. You know al about sacrifice. It's in everything you do. Its in your calling and  
in the way you love. Buffy, you jumped into a dimensional vortex to save all of us including  
Spike. Don't tell me you're not worth his love because you deserve everything life can give you.   
His love is your gift and he needs you right now and I know that you need him too"  
I nodded through my haze of tears but I was happy. I was going back to him.  
Willow was helping me pack when her cell rang. She answered as I moved to get my bag from  
the closet.  
I didn't hear what she said on the phone but the look on her face revealed that whatever it was it  
was bad.  
"Buffy. Spike's gone"  
  
+++++++++++++  
  
I looked for him throughout the length and width of Sunnydale. He wasn't in his old crypt or  
any of the "homes" he'd occupied. The school basement was devoid of anything but rats. I  
combed through each of the town's five cemeteries fruitlessly. It was as he'd vanished. I feared  
the worst but I kept hoping.  
On the third day of my search I came upon the little chapel in which he'd revealed the existence  
of his soul to me. The stone structure had been abandoned after our "encounter" that trashed  
most of the pews and made the place unsafe for use. The door had a condemned notice.   
My eyes sought him in every dark corner. I turned around to leave when I noticed one of the  
overturned pews shift a bit. My Slayer senses narrowed down to that spot and I waited for  
whatever was there to come out.  
My lover's form emerged from his hiding place. Even in the shadows he was as familiar as  
myself. He stood in front of me. His face was blank and his shoulders were hunched. His eyes  
were downcast and I knew without needing him to tell me that my leaving had broken his heart.  
"I'm sorry" I whispered as if not to scare him but needing to apologize.   
His gaze finally met mine. It was hurt but his devotion was unwavering and shone through. I  
realized how lucky I was to have this man's love and loyalty.  
I smiled at him and moved slowly to take him in my arms once more. He didn't back away and  
leaned in into my embrace, his lips brushed my own softly.   
"Buffy" it was a low, barely audible whisper.  
I froze at hearing his voice after so many months. It was rough for the lack of use but I  
welcomed it. I thought that I would never hear him again.  
"I tried to find you...you left me" he stuttered  
"I know. I am so sorry for that"  
"I thought that you didn't... want...me 'cause I was broken"  
Oh god, he thought that I abandoned him. That I thought so little of him that I would leave him  
when he needed me the most. Then I realized that the way I'd always treated him would lead  
him to think this way.   
" I left because I do nothing but hurt you. All that you've suffered has been because of me. All  
your pain is mine. How can I ever be any good to you?"  
  
"Luv...you're my love" he said simply.  
And I understood the meaning of those words. For he would take me at my worst, at my very  
lowest and even when I was hurting him. I was his focus, his unlived life. Nothing that I could  
do would make him stop loving me. I was humbled by the intensity of his feelings for me and  
for the fact that even now after he'd given up so much he still gave me his heart.  
I had to do the same. I've given him my trust, my body but not all of myself.  
Dawn was right, Willow was right. Love was all about giving. I had one more wall to tear down  
if we were ever going to be okay.  
  
TBC.  
  
Author's note: Will Buffy's "gift" be enough to bring his sanity back or will she lose him  
altogether. Stay tuned for the last installment of Castoff and don't forget to review. 


	9. Chapter 9

Author's note: Behold the next to final chapter (its going to be 10 chapters after all).   
  
Chapter 9   
  
I take him back into my home but not my bed. He is not ready for this yet. I have to show him love that is not physical but more spiritual. Soulful-like he would say.  
I refused to put him back in that cage even if I have to watch him 24/7. He seems to be doing better especially after getting his voice back.. He talks to Dawn and Willow. He talks to me.  
His conversation is repetitive and sometimes a bit nonsensical. He seems to get the present and the past confused a lot. Willow says to give him time as he seems to be on the mend.  
The worst are the episodes. There are fewer in number but just as terrible.  
He sees what's not there. Dru, Angelus, Cecily, his mother and his victims. All taunt him and insult him preying on his insecurities and guilt. He tries not to hear them and usually manages not to do so but it is especially hard when his tormentor is me.  
'Cause you always hurt the ones you love but they too can hurt you best.  
Still, I was patient. I would try to coax him of his perpetual sadness. Once I even managed a half-hearted smile from him. It was sweet and pained just like its owner.  
On his good days we talked about anything in everything. He opened up about his past and even shared with me the close relationship he'd had with his mother. I knew then that he wasn't like any other cold vampire and that even then traces of his humanity still shone through.   
As for my part I shared the pain of my parents divorce and what had happened to my first watcher. These were memories I'd rather not discuss but by revealing myself to him, by letting him see my own weaknesses and my own pain I could begin to build a relationship with him when we kept no barriers or boundaries.  
Willow and Dawn rallied around me and supported him as much as they could. It was painful to see him when he was being hounded by the visions. He would cry and scream and would repeat my name as a sort of mantra to ward of his tormentors.  
"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy..."  
I answered his call and held him until the episode passed. My touch seemed to make it better somehow. He craved physical contact. Whenever I would come into a room he would gravitate towards me. Always needing to have me at arms reach. I was flattered and disturbed by his dependence. He was so far away from the proud, ruthless vampire that had made Sunnydale his playground a few years ago.  
But then again I wasn't the girl whom he faced either.  
I was about to learn just how so.  
+++++++  
Willow being Willow had never stopped looking for a solution for Spike's condition. Her search had led her to some obscure tome that referred to some sort of psyche invasion similar to what Faith had undergone with Angel but on a more extreme scale since whoever went into Spike's mind would not only be a spectator but had to repair the rift left by the First.  
Of course that it would be me.  
Willow outlined the risks. I could lose myself in the vastness of Spike's 100+ years of memories or I could be overwhelmed by his condition and end up as insane as he is. Neither were appealing but I would try anything to spare him from suffering any longer.  
Spike did not know of my intentions. In his moments of lucidity he'd begun to express an acceptance of what was happening to him. He saw it as a way to pay for all his crimes.My sweet vampire still felt that he hadn't atoned enough.  
I, on the other hand knew that he had given more and sacrificed more than any individual should. And it is because of this and because I love him that I will do what I need to do.  
++++++  
The spell was one of the most elaborate that Willow had ever performed. It took a couple of weeks just to gather the necessary materials from magick outlets all over the world. Then we had to wait for a new moon since Willow's power seemed to be at optimum during that time.  
At last everything was ready. It was time to tell him.  
He was sitting outside in the steps to the porch looking at the stars. The familiar warmth that I felt whenever he was around spread through my body. He was so beautiful in black denim and a white tee-shirt. His newly-peroxided hair gleamed under the porch light and I longed to run my hand through those textured waves that he could not control. Unfortunately, I wasn't here for that.  
"Lovely evening" he said revealing that he was aware of my presence.  
"You knew I was here?"   
He nodded. "I can sense you. Even if I were blind and deaf I would always know when you are near me" his tone was soft and vulnerable.  
"Is that a Slayer/Vamp thing?" I asked stupidly.  
"No, It's a you and me thing. Ever since I fell..." he stopped mid sentence. As of late he'd stopped referring to his feelings for me. I knew that he still loved me but for some reason he no longer expressed it verbally. He sought my touch and his eyes revealed what their owner dared not but it seemed that he was beginning to pull away from me. It hurt me deeply.  
He sighed loudly and cleared his throat. "Buffy there is something that I must tell you and I would like for you to hear me out without saying anything until I finish"  
I agreed and he began.  
"I would like to thank you for opening your home to me. Not many people would take an insane vampire into their lives and even less would help him as much as you and yours have. But I think that I overstayed my welcome Buffy. I know that I will never get better, I will always be sick and you shouldn't have to deal with that in top everything, luv. You don't deserve that. You deserve is a life filled with love and a mate that honors you and not some broken vampire that has no right to stand by your side. I'm gonna go tonight before the nibblet tries to stop me"  
Through my tears I managed one word.   
"Where?"  
'Don't know, don't care. I am not important. You and Dawn are precious to me and I would do anything to spare you any pain. I wish I could stay and help you as I did in the past but now I am not able. I am not needed"  
"I need you"  
"No you don't luv. You are strong and brave. You're my light but I've no right to you. You'll find someone else and I bet he'll love you and treasure you always and you won't even remember me but I will always remember you wherever I am"  
He got up and his eyes met mine. Unshed tears obscured the blue orbs and I knew that this was killing him as much as it was killing me.  
"Good bye Buffy" he said tenderly.  
"NO!"   
I grabbed him and all but threw him into the ground. "I won't ever let you leave me again. No matter what happens you and me will never be apart again. I couldn't take it"  
"It's for the best"  
"I don't care, I love you and don't tell me that someday my prince will come because he's already here. He's been here and here..." I say as I point to my heart " ...ever since he showed me what loving someone is"   
"We have no future luv. It's best for you to let me go"  
"We have a future. I'm going to make it possible. Just trust me"  
"Luv?" he asked.  
"Trust me"  
  
++++++  
  
Spike and I entered the white ash circle and the candles that marked each direction lit suddenly. Willow knelt in front of her various artifacts and red incense smoke.  
  
"Eu convido os deuses e os goddesses dos dias velhos também daqueles  
do novo. Deuses do movimento claro sobre este da esta mulher corpo do  
homem e. Permita as paredes que o prendem e as deixam seu espírito"  
  
The ashes swirled about us and I felt myself fading away. My legs would not hold me as I left my own form to travel into his. My senses are assailed by a storm of emotions and memories that are not my own. Happiness, pride, hope, desolation, love, pain, everything comes at once so that I end up feeling everything at the same time. My mind is overloaded but I must hang on for his/ my sake.  
Finally everything is quiet and I sink into the floor only to find that I am no longer in my comfortable living room. Disoriented, I look around only to discover that I am now in Spike's stone crypt.  
"Why?" I ask out loud.  
A familiar voice rises from the shadows.  
"Because this is the place where I made the most important decision in my life after choosing to become a vampire" Spike answers.  
"What was that?"  
"To love you"  
  
TBC.  
Author's note: Only one more chapter to go. Please R and R.  
. 


	10. Chapter 10 & Epilogue

Author's note: Okay so its time to end another fic. Thank you so much to everyone that has  
taken time out to read this with everything that ff.net has to offer. Special thanks to everyone  
that has reviewed since I value all your praise and criticism. I couldn't and wouldn't do it  
without you. So without further ado: the end.  
  
Chapter 10   
  
We were at the beginning. This the point in which he'd turned away from his own nature to  
follow me. I'd never considered the implications behind that act. I'd always assumed that he'd  
simply repressed his instincts because it was more convenient to be with me than against me.   
But that wasn't true. His change went bone deep to his very marrow. He'd not only become an  
ally but a friend, a trusted partner and eventually a loyal mate.  
I understood it now and knew the value of his gift. He gave something so rare that it  
transcended all value.   
"Thank you" I said to my love.  
He gave me a slight smile. "I wish I could have given you more. The moon, the sun, happiness  
but none of those were mine to give especially the last. All I could give you was myself and I  
fear that it wasn't enough"  
"Yes, yes it was. It kept me alive, it gave me a way to feel again. Spike you saved my life"  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
A flash of light and we are no longer there. We are in an abandoned house that is crumbling to  
the ground with the force of our violent lovemaking. I can see myself using my body in a sort of  
last ditch effort to have something that did not taste of death. I clung to the man that exuded life  
even though his heart had not beat over a century. Holding on to what only he could give me.  
For him it had been different. I could see it in his eyes that regarded me with the same  
incredulity one attributes a blessing. His unspoken desires are becoming reality and he cannot  
even begin to grasp that he no longer has to dream, that I am here with him.  
"Why are you showing me this?" I ask him but I think I already knew.  
"Its when I dared hope, for the first time, that you could...that we could...but it wasn't to be.   
You weren't really here with me. I was just convenient" he says without a hint of accusation but  
I feel guilty nonetheless.  
"I admit it . I didn't love you when we first made love. I used you, I hurt you and I didn't even  
care. You have no idea how much I regret that now. It was the lowest point of my life but not  
because of you but because of me. This was my mistake, not yours"  
He looks at me silently while the Buffy and Spike of past fall through the floor.  
"It was mine because I never learned"  
+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+  
Another flash of light and we are in an unfamiliar room. I look around at the antique furnishings  
framing a large canopied bed. Daylight creeps through heavy velvet drapes and I know that we  
are in the past. His past to be precise.  
"Why are we here?"   
"So you can see me... and maybe understand"  
The door suddenly opens and a bespectacled young man walks in. He is wears a heavy, old  
fashioned suit and snow white linen underneath. He walks to his desk and takes out writing  
implements and paper.  
Dipping his pen in ink he proceeds to scrawl a few lines in the creamy paper. Loops and loops  
of Victorian cursive.  
As he writes I can help but smile at this Spike version 1.0. So far removed from my ruthless,  
passionate vampire.   
"This was you" I say incredulously.  
He nods. "In a way he still is. Look at him writing his bloody awful poetry trying to impress  
some bird that will never stoop as low as to give him a single kiss for his efforts. He thinks that  
if he is ever good enough she might see him as something not beneath her, as someone who is  
worth something. Of course, she never does and he has to bury that soul-searing love deep  
within himself where it didn't surface for another hundred years"  
"With me" it wasn't a question.  
"Yes, it was you that brought out the foolish romantic again. My methods were the same: try to  
show you that I am worth loving even if I am a lesser creature. Even if I remain beneath"  
+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~  
The scene shifts again and we are back in Sunnydale. I see him and myself outside the police  
precinct.   
As an spectator the violence that I inflict on him takes another more horrifying dimension. He  
lies prostrate on the ground and takes my punches and kicks with no opposition. I place all my  
frustration, my anger, my fear on him and he takes it willingly like a well-deserved punishment.   
"How could you not hate me?" I ask my guide.  
"Even if you would stake me it wouldn't change what I feel about you one bit luv. 'Sides you  
needed this"  
I didn't say anything as the scene faded away and we were back to where we started. The crypt.  
"I don't understand what are you trying to show me. How is that connected to you're getting  
better? What am I not seeing?"  
"You are not seeing me. Not yet"  
"What am I not seeing? You love me. You've done a lot for me and you've let me do terrible  
things to you. How is this connected to what the First did to you?"  
He didn't reply and moved away to the further corner of the crypt. I stood frozen in my spot and  
waited for him to continue.   
"The happiest moment in my entire life was when I saw you coming down the stairs after being  
brought back by Willow. The most sorrowful was when you died. My life is truly yours Buffy.   
My heart and my mind are also yours. The soul was a gift to you. There is not one part of me  
that is mine alone. I'm all yours."  
I finally understood it. It was all up to me after all. The compass of his life and by definition the  
root of his problem was me. The First must have used me to drive him crazy. Knowing that  
made all the difference.  
I faced him. His blue eyes reflected all the pain of a love taken for granted. I've denied him so  
much that the only thing I could do is to say 'I'm sorry'.  
I grasped his hands with my own. Upon contact my heat beat faster. I realize that we weren't  
really touching. I was merely a presence in his mind but maybe without the boundaries of our  
bodies we were one.   
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not having listened to your pleas. I'm sorry for every time I drove you  
to tears. I'm sorry for every night that I left you alone after getting my fill of your body. I'm  
sorry for not recognizing your heart and taking care of it as it deserves. I will never again hide  
my love for you. I won't ever lie or conceal us from the rest of the world. I ask for your trust  
and for your loyalty once more. I promise that I will always love you. Please return to me"  
My pleas echoed in the stone crypt but he didn't say anything. Time in this condition seemed to  
stand still. I knew that I was asking a lot of him. I was asking him to put his entire being on the  
line once more and believe in me. It was the only way for him to be him again.  
Spike sank to his knees and I followed. His thin arms embraced my body as he sobbed his grief.   
We held each other for what seemed like hours. I grew happy at his touch, it seemed so real.   
Finally, the tears stopped and he looked at me solemnly through reddened eyes.   
"Take me home"  
I nodded and without preamble the scenery began to shift once more and we left the lonely crypt  
for the last time.  
++++++++++  
  
Epilogue (Five years later)  
  
The unruly sun managed to filter through the heavy damask curtains. Ignoring the wake-up call I  
pull the covers over my head and cuddle closer to my lover and love. He shifts to accommodate  
me and I ease into his familiar form. As usual his body greets my closeness and I quake in  
anticipation.  
His sexy grin confirms what I already knew. He is ready for an encore performance of last night.   
I am too.   
We begin our well-known, much loved dance. I think back on everything that led us to this  
moment and this life. Willow's spell gave me the answers I needed to reclaim my Spike. The  
results were not immediate but little by little we began to rebuild onto the surface of his  
unwavering trust. As we grew closer his episodes lessened until eventually they became a  
painful memory but not our reality. He was there to support me when it was time for Dawn to  
leave. When Willow followed Kennedy to England he became my best friend. And when  
Xander and Anya left for a new life and a family together away from the dangers of the  
Hellmouth I held on to him. At the end it was just the two of us.   
Giles put it best. Our union was a rarity on the Watcher's Diaries. I reminded him that this was  
a brand new book that he was writing and that as such it deserved a new beginning. He agreed  
and now the journals record the unexpected yet deep relationship of the Slayer and her Vampire  
mate. The story of us for generations to come. Talk about your legacy.  
  
The End.  
  
Author's note: Thank you for reading. Please review. 


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